The meaning below the words

Why is it that what we say is so often not what’s heard? How can we be more understood?

Sarah: I can't wait till we're married, so we can really start building a home together.

Jim: Yes, and we'll have the security to do things we haven't been able to do.

Sarah: No more apartments, a real house, a place you can move around in.

Jim: One of us could go back to school or make a career change, and the other one would provide support.

Sarah: A real living room where people can sit quietly and talk. I want to feel like a couple. I want to have couples over.

Jim: There are so many possibilities! We can go anywhere together, do anything!

Sarah: Yes, but I still want a house that has enough room for children.

Jim: Of course! We’ll have kids when we’re ready, but there's so much we can do now.

For Sarah, marriage is a chance to settle down and start a family. For Jim, it’s an opportunity to take risks.

Sarah and Jim are talking past each other, and if they can’t learn to listen to the meaning beneath the words they’re in for a difficult surprise.

They aren’t hearing each other because no two people experience the world in the same way. We each have our own “model” of the way things are, influenced by genetics, upbringing, environment, and countless experiences. While models help us make sense of the world, we often assume that our experience, identity, and perception is shared by others.

Unless we clarify, for them, what we mean, it will be very difficult for others to understand what we’re trying to say.

This week, we will discuss four uses of language -- deletion, vague pronouns, vague verbs, and nominalization -- that all obscure meaning, as well as strategies to clarify or get clarity.

Adapted from Messages, The Communications Skills Book, by Dr. Matthew McKay.