Drop the “I”
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Here’s another great tip from master negotiator, Chris Voss…
When you’re in a tough conversation, the words you choose can either open the door—or slam it shut.
A mistake many of us make: We start with “I hear you…” or “I think…”.
The problem?
The word “I” puts the focus on you, not them, and when people feel you’re making it about yourself, their guard goes up.
Instead, try this:
“It seems like…”
“It sounds like…”
“It looks like…”
These simple shifts keep the attention where it belongs, signaling curiosity and empathy, without triggering defensiveness.
Social psychologist Carl Rogers, in his work on active listening, showed that people are more open when they feel truly understood, not judged. By removing “I,” you strip away the sense of evaluation and shift toward unconditional positive regard.
Similarly, Daniel Kahneman in Thinking, Fast and Slow highlights how quickly people become defensive when they perceive a threat to their autonomy—even in small word choices.
Removing “I” makes your language less about judgment and more about understanding. It’s a subtle tweak that builds trust faster.
So next time you’re in a critical conversation—drop the “I” and watch the walls come down.
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