What or How?

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Chris Voss, former FBI hostage negotiator and author of Never Split the Difference, makes a useful distinction between two of our most influential words, what and how. 

“What” uncovers problems. “How” helps overcome them.

“What” gets underneath the surface

“This plan isn’t going to work.”

“What about it concerns you?”

“What” helps them diagnose the problem…

“What’s getting in the way?”

“What are we missing?”

“What would need to change?”

“What’s most important to you here?”

You’re not solving. You’re helping them think.

Then, once the problem is on the table, switch words.

“How” moves toward implementation

“How would you solve that?”

“How do you want to proceed?”

“How could we make this work?”

“How would you handle that?”

“How can I support you without taking this over?”

Voss calls these calibrated questions. They’re designed less to extract information than to engage the other person’s brain in collaboration.

If someone ever blurted out to you, “Well how am I supposed to do that?” they put the how before the what, and now you’re triggered. You’re fighting for control. 

Instead, use “what” to uncover the problem, then use “how” to recruit them into solving it.

It’s not you against them. It’s you and them against the problem.

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