The four types of expression

Dec 3

Whether you’re speaking, emailing, gesturing, using facial expressions, keeping silent, posting on social media, texting, all interpersonal communications fall into one of four categories. Knowing and using them can help you communicate more confidently.

Observations

The language of the detective or scientist. Observations report the naked facts of what happened -- without speculation, inference, or conclusion. For most people, it’s difficult to make observations, especially of other people and their behavior. We usually lay our thoughts (judgments and evaluations) on top of observations. For example, rather than simply observing, “The last three times I called a meeting, he was at least five minutes late” (observable facts), we instead say something like, “He’s always late” or worse “He’s disrespectful of my time” (not observable facts).

Thoughts

Conclusions, inferences, judgments, and evaluations of the observable facts are thoughts, the story you tell about the facts. This is where we apply value judgments such as good or bad, right or wrong, as well as theories and conclusions. Thoughts can include deeply held beliefs such as “Selflessness is essential for a successful marriage” or “You seldom do what I want” or “he’s difficult to get along with.” Dr. Marshall Rosenberg has identified an entire sub-category of thoughts that alienate us from life and each other, including moralistic judgments, comparisons, and denial of responsibility.

Feelings

Some people don’t want to share what they feel, or hear how you feel. Others are selectively receptive, maybe OK hearing about your divorce melancholy, but not your fear of death. Expressing your emotions, however, is what makes you unique and special, and according to McKay, Davis & Fanning, “Sharing feelings are the building blocks of intimacy.”

Needs

Needs are simple statements about what would help or please you. No one knows what you want, except you, yet many people communicate in a way that expects others to be clairvoyant about what they want. There are deep psychological and societal reasons for this. Women, for example, are often judged and criticized for expressing their needs. But if we don’t value our needs, others may not either.

Use all four categories to your benefit

In our workshops, we learn ways to utilize these four categories. We learn to separate observations from judgments, in the moment. We learn to speak in a way that doesn’t judge others, keeping them from getting defensive so they stay in dialogue. We build a rich vocabulary of feelings and needs, and learn to make powerful requests in ways that help get our needs met, while also meeting the needs of others.