Deferential vs. accusatory

You meant to open a conversation, but instead, you triggered defensiveness, maybe even shut things down entirely. The issue might not have been what you asked—but how you asked it.

As I’ve said before, it’s not what you say, but what is heard…that matters.

Let’s talk about the difference between deferential and accusatory questions.

Accusatory questions sound like:

• “Why didn’t you tell me sooner?”

• “What were you thinking?”

• “How is this still not done?”

Even when said calmly, these questions contain blame. They focus attention on the problem—and on you as the problem. This tone puts people on the defensive, making it harder to stay in dialogue.

Deferential questions sound like:

• “Can you help me understand what happened?”

• “What would you have needed to move this forward?”

• “Would it be okay if I shared what I’m noticing?”

These kinds of questions lower resistance. They acknowledge the other person’s perspective and invite reflection, rather than demand an explanation. You’re still addressing the issue—but in a way that keeps communication open.

Here’s the tip:

Before asking a tough question, pause and ask yourself: “Am I coming from curiosity or blame?” Then adjust your wording accordingly.

A little shift in intent can make a big difference in the outcome.

Stay curious, not confrontational.