Can I remain in dialogue with someone I don’t respect?
Many people fear that they can not maintain mutual respect with someone with whom they have a different background or who has different morals or values.
What do you do, for example, if a person has let you down, or “put” you down? What if it has happened repeatedly? Can you respect a selfish or hateful person enough to remain in dialogue?
According to Patterson, Granny, McMillan, and Switzer, in their book Crucial Conversations, “Dialogue truly would be doomed if we had to share every objective or respect every element of another person’s character before we could talk. If this were the case, we’d all be mute.”
The authors tell us we can find a way to honor and regard the other person’s basic humanity, saying “In essence, feelings of disrespect often come when we dwell on how others are different from ourselves. We can counteract these feelings by looking for ways we are similar.”
They suggest we recognize that everyone has weaknesses, which can help us find a kinship or mutuality between ourselves and even the most difficult people.
However, I believe this approach risks creating a sense of pity or even condescension towards the other person. Thinking someone is weak is still a judgment.
A healthier approach, I believe, is articulated by Dr. Marshall Rosenberg, creator of Nonviolent Communication.
What do we all share?
What do Conservatives share with Liberals?
What do Blacks share with Whites? Asians with Latins?
Rural with urban?
Rich with poor?
You with me?
It’s not our desires, morals, or values, not our groups, history, or perspectives.
What we share are our common, basic, human needs, including safety, nourishment, autonomy, celebration, integrity, interdependence, play, and spiritual communion.
Our most fundamental human driver is the drive to fulfill our unmet needs. According to Abraham Maslow, this drive is behind every thought and action.
How to connect with someone you don’t respect
Here is a superpower to develop.
Analyze people (and even yourself), by looking beyond thoughts, words, and actions to uncover unmet needs that are driving choices and behavior.
If someone says, “Is it too much to return a phone call?” They may just lack the ability to say: “I really could use some support right now.”
“You’re always late!” may mean “I need more respect for my time.”
“You’re not listening!” could actually mean, “I want to be understood.”
Understanding human interactions on the level of needs rather than judgments helps us see that what divides us is simply the strategies we use to meet those underlying, motivating, unmet needs.
This is human connection, the goal of communication.
