Recognizing judgments
Stop! Before you read this post, get a paper and pen. We are starting with an exercise.
Bring a person you know well to mind. Write down all the things you think about them. Take a minute or two and just create a list.
OK, now let's put your thoughts about this person into two categories: observations and judgments (evaluations, inferences, or opinions).
Observations are factually verifiable by a 3rd party.
If the word you wrote down about the person is an observable fact, then circle it.
Circle only things that a detective or reporter would be able to verify, like for example: on Tuesday, he forgot his phone, or she has red hair, or he drank two beers yesterday.
Go ahead, do it now, before reading on.
Judgments are stories you’re telling yourself.
Next, if the word or phrase about the person was a judgment or evaluation, put a rectangle around it.
These are things that a reporter or detective would not be able to verify by just observing the person, things like: she’s always late, or he’s stubborn, or he’s fun, or he drinks too much.
These are your thoughts & opinions about the person, your interpretations, your stories.
Now, total up the observations vs. the judgments and ask: What did I just learn about the way I think?
What are the stories I’m telling myself?
When we learn to identify the stories we’re telling ourselves – and understand what’s a judgment vs. an observation – we invite the possibility of responding rather than reacting.
Here are other ways to recognize when judgments, rather than observations, are driving your (or someone else's) reactions:
Words like always, never, ever, seldom, whenever, etc. express judgments and evaluations. Eg: I can’t recall you ever apologizing. You rarely do what I ask. You’re always hassling me!
Exaggerations express judgments and evaluations. Eg.: You’re never there when I need you.
Comparisons. Eg: He’s so much more accomplished than I am.
Before we move on, are you judging yourself for judging?
It's not our fault. 8,000 years of human development has taught us to think this way.
The question to ask is: is judging helping you get your needs met?
