Denial of responsibility language
For many, this typical, terrible influence strategy is hard to grasp because we are not aware of how much of the language we use denies our own responsibility for our thoughts, emotions, and actions.
“I have to cook dinner.”
“He made me so angry.”
“You’re making me feel guilty.”
How can I make you feel anything? I may influence a response in you, but I can’t force you to feel something…unless you let me!
Even a phrase like, “I have to work” obscures the fact that working is a choice. A choice with consequences, but a choice nonetheless.
During his war crimes trial, when asked why he committed all those horrific atrocities, Adolf Eichmann repeatedly replied, “I had to,” or “superiors’ orders,” or “it was the law.” He said that he and the other Nazi officers had a word for the responsibility-denying language they used: Amtssprache, loosely translated as “bureaucratese” or “office talk.”
We deny responsibility for our actions and emotions when we attribute their cause to factors outside ourselves, such as:
Vague, impersonal forces: "I gave the presentation because I had to.”
Our condition, diagnosis, or personal or psychological history: "I’ll never be good at public speaking."
The actions of others: "I hit my child because he ran into the street."
The dictates of authority: "I lied to the client because my boss told me to."
Group pressure: "I started smoking because all my friends did."
Institutional policies, rules, and regulations: "I have to suspend you for this behavior because it's our policy."
Gender roles, social roles, or age roles: "I hate going to work, but I do it because I am a husband and a father."
Uncontrollable impulses: "I was overcome by my urge to eat the candy bar."
This way of speaking, built into our language, obscures our awareness of our own autonomy and choice. It disconnects us from ourselves and life.
Yet, as human beings, we have agency. The source of our power is choice.
What did Adam say to God when he ate the apple? “She made me do it.” What did Eve say? “The serpent made me do it.” And so it goes.
Hamlet got it right when he said, “Nothing in this world is good or bad, but thinking makes it so.”
Dr. Jane Marantz Connor, co-author of Connecting Across Differences: Finding Common Ground with Anyone, Anywhere, Anytime, reminds us of the difference between stimulation and response:
“While we may think our ‘trigger’ is what’s happening in the moment -- what we’re seeing or hearing -- in fact, it’s our thoughts about the experience that trigger our feelings and the physical sensations (responses) in our bodies.”
This concept is explained another way in Crucial Conversations, by Patterson, Granny, McMillan and Switzler:
“There is always an intermediate step [between what others do and what how we feel] because actions themselves can’t and don’t cause emotional reactions. That’s why, when faced with the exact same circumstances, ten people may have ten different emotional responses.”
Source: Crucial Conversations, by Patterson, Granny, McMillan & Switzler
When we use denial-of-responsibility language, we reinforce the false notion that other people are the problem and to get our needs met, they need to do something.
We give away our agency.
Conversely, when we use language that acknowledges choice, we speak with integrity and personal power, which people respect and are attracted to.
As this month’s 2 Minute Tip is all about typical, terrible influence strategies, the next post will include an exercise you can use to translate “have to” into “chose to”
